What To Do About Your Partner's Porn Use

You are uncomfortable with your partner's porn use. Eek! What should you do?

I get this question often. Here is my take as an AASECT certified sex therapist, a psychologist, and a couples therapist.

Quick heads' up on my general stance: I believe people have a right to their own sexuality, including private sexuality on which you do not fully debrief your partner. Private sexuality DOES NOT include violating relationship agreements around monogamy or engaging in any non-consensual or illegal activities.

The Porn Tug Of War

Ok, so here's what often happens around porn. Your partner uses porn, and you are uncomfortable about some aspect of their use. You might dislike the fact that they look at it at all, the type they look at, or the frequency.

Something like the following goes down:

You: Yikes, you watch porn every other day? That freaks me out.

Your partner: What's the big deal? Everyone watches porn.

You: I don't! It feels icky to me, like you're cheating on me. Can you do it less, please?

Your partner: Sure. It's no big deal to me, I can watch it less. I don't even have to watch it at all.

You: Thank goodness, I feel much better.

But...although they made a general commitment to use less porn, that commitment was mostly about appeasing your discomfort and is not related to their own genuine interest in watching less porn. This often causes a whole bunch of trouble down the line.

They might have a totally different perspective on what "less" porn consumption looks like than you do. They might initially cut back and then slide into their old cadence. Or they might feel shamed by your reaction and decide that you don't have the right to know about their private sexuality.

Some time later, you discover that they are still watching porn, maybe as often as they were before (I hope you don't discover this from snooping - please don't snoop). You feel betrayed, like they lied to you. They feel more defensive and shut you out further. The issue becomes even more fraught.

What To Do When You Want Your Partner To Stop Using Porn And They Don't

The number one thing to do in this situation is to get clear about what specifically you object to and to talk about that concern rather than generalizing it to "porn makes me uncomfortable" or "porn is unethical."

Some common concerns that partners have about porn use:

• You are concerned about the treatment of actors in pornography and worry about supporting an industry that can be exploitative

• You are worried about the specific content in the porn your partner watches (for example, you worry their preferences are misogynistic or promote unrealistic ideas about sex)

• You are not actually concerned with the porn itself, but with your real life sex life. You aren't happy with the frequency or quality of sex, so it worries you that your partner is watching porn but not investing in your sex life

• You see porn use as infidelity, that experiencing sexual arousal in response to other people is a violation of your relationship agreements

Getting clear on what your actual issue is will empower you to communicate your concerns in a direct, non-judgmental way.

That might look like:

• "I worry greatly that the actors in pornography are being exploited or assaulted."

• "I so appreciate you being vulnerable and sharing with me the type of porn you watch. I'll admit, I do feel concerned about some of the stuff that you find exciting. I feel worried that it means something about your attitude toward women."

• "I have realized it's not about the porn, but that I want to put more energy into our sex life. I really value connecting that way with you."

I'll be straight with you - if one partner sees porn (or even masturbation without porn) as infidelity and the other doesn't, this is a very significant difference that will likely cause some trouble. As I noted up top, as a AASECT certified sex therapist, I'm going to lean toward each partner's right to maintain their own private sexuality, even if it makes their partner uncomfortable. I do not personally believe that watching pornography or listening to or reading erotica is a form of infidelity. I am honest about my beliefs with clients who do see porn as infidelity, because my stance will influence how I approach this issue.

What about porn addiction?

There is currently no formal diagnosis for porn addiction. That said, people certainly can and do have very problematic relationships to pornography. The tricky thing is, there are not clear standards about what "problematic" porn use looks like. One person might say that daily porn use is a huge problem, while many others would say that's perfectly healthy.

As a psychologist, what I look for around problematic porn use is whether the use prevents the person from living their life according to their values. Has porn use lead you to develop very narrow sexual arousal pathways that make partnered sex difficult? Do you end up using porn instead of doing things you want to do or should be doing? Do you use porn more times a day/week than you intend to or want to? Is there a compulsive element to your porn use, where you find yourself doing it even when you really don't want to? Although a partner's distress is absolutely relevant, if it is the ONLY problem porn is causing, I will probably see that more as a relationship issue and less as a porn issue. If you're really concerned about your partner's porn use as a potentially compulsive behavior, I recommend seeking support together from a AASECT certified sex therapist.

If ethics are your concern:

While some people are adamant there is no such thing as ethical pornography, there are companies that put a lot of effort into reducing potential harm. You will probably have to pay for these, but in the same way that you pay more for organic food or fair trade coffee, the cost may be worth it to you. If your main concern regarding your partner's porn use is the potential for harm to actors, suggesting some more ethically produced options and okaying the use of shared finances (if relevant) to pay for those options can be a nice compromise. Some sites even offer videos focused on sex education as well as pleasure (think Afterglow and OMGYes).

If content is your concern:

Let's say you and your partner have lovely, maybe a bit vanilla sex. You find out that they watch significantly more "hardcore" pornography.

There are a few important things to think about here.

Your partner might have a genuine interest in actually doing what they're watching. They might believe or know that you aren't interested in the same things. No two people perfectly overlap in their sexual interests. Fantasy, and yes, porn, can be a good place to explore interests that aren't mutually desirable. Of course, maybe you WOULD be open to adventuring into whatever territory you've discovered they're into. If you show genuine curiosity about their turn ons, you might be in for some fun activities together.

But it is also completely possible that what they like to watch or fantasize about is NOT the same as what they actually want to do. There is often a wide gap between where people like going in their fantasies and where they would actually be comfortable going in the flesh. So just because you've found out that your partner likes watching, say, bondage focused porn, don't jump to the conclusion that they want to be tied up or want to tie you up.

Finally, nothing will be more harmful to your actual sex life than you conveying disgust or contempt at your partner's legal, consensual sexual interests. To the extent that you can, try to be curious and accepting rather than shaming.

If It's Not About The Porn

If your main issue is your sex life, I encourage you to stay focused on your sex life rather than making it about the porn.

When it comes to sex, there is a delicate balance between sharing your feelings (helpful, connecting) and complaining (usually a turn off).

Some language that can help:

"I've really been wanting to put more energy into our sex life lately. Are you down?"

"Would you be up for scheduling sex? I think we'd have more if we made more space for it."

"I just emailed you a Yes, No, Maybe list...I want to know more about your desires."

But centralizing porn as the problem will probably put your partner on the defensive AND it also may not actually address the issues in your sex life.

Hold Onto Nuance

It's easy to get up in arms or fall into very rigid thinking here. But there is a lot of room for nuance and compromise. While your partner has a right to their private sexuality, in a caring relationship they will also take your feelings and concerns into consideration. That does not necessarily mean they stop watching porn because you asked them to, but it should mean that (assuming you bring the issue up with care and respect) they respond thoughtfully and respectfully to your concerns.

Some reasonable compromises I have seen couples make:

• "I can commit to clearing my browser and clicking out of windows so you don't have to accidentally see what I watch"

• "I'll pay for ethically produced porn since we value fair treatment of workers in all the products we purchase."

• "I'll start incorporating written erotica into my masturbation repertoire to prevent any rigid arousal patterns."

• "I'll learn how to be a better sexual partner to you and show up for you more sexually. My porn use will be my private business."

Porn is a challenging topic. I hope this helps you think through how you want to have these important conversations with your partner.

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